suddenly, not very recently…
back to your daily briefing from 
Deathism is worse than Ageism says UK Government Dogsbody
Government fink tank experts are predicting a future that will unleash untold riches for the untold rich. Fighting against red tape red corbyn and red till your dead doorknobs, Prime Meanster B. Johnson has enlisted the powers of the dead to propose a bold new perspective on the idea that you work til you drop without a break for tea, lunch retirement or even your own funeral. “Afterlife profits have been overlooked for too long in this country! My government is proposing not to prolong retirement, but instead to promote afterliving! This is a government that wants to support citizens who take pride in their work and don’t necessarily want to stop working just because of dying! ThevNew Ageism is something that Brexit will allow us to achieve without the namby pamby celestial rule makers in Brussels getting in the way of the desire of the British people to work themselves to death, and to have the right to carry on!.”
Realtor President to buy Greenland
A prime military landscape is in the pipeline and ready for the exchange of contracts with Trump Partners once the offer you can’t refuse has been confirmed.
(Actually, I don’t think this is a joke. ed)
Hong Kong running out of Umbrellas
Having become the symbol of resistance against the Party run state of China, HK now finds that every available umbrella is being used in protest against the Party franchise government of Hong Kong. It never rains but it pours says HK’s leading brelly manufacturer. China maintains that HK doesn’t need umbrellas, and should comply with un-umbrella culture traditions in line with the state controlled state of the mainland.
Germany’s Recession Proof Quantum Easing
One of the highlights of being European is taking comfort in the stability of the German economy. Even the recent shakes of Merkel have not shaken confidence in the german model (Angela recently made the cover of Vogue) So cars, diesel and otherwise are still the powerhouse behind the throne of Euro stability, and no, there will be no downturn, no uprising and no middle incomes as far as Deutchebank is concerned.
get in touch, find out more, enjoy the moment
Hey Nige, lay off Greta! Says Planet
The world has decided it has a voice and has used it today to insist Nigellistas of the Faragist Brexiteers stop bothering the teenage girl who is trying her best to save the planet for future generations of people other than the idiotologues who follow Nige around like flies spawning in rotting meat.
Of course there are other nit-shitz who the world would like to emasculate were it able to – as a living entity currently breaking out in a rash because of its human irritants – but the world is a grown up, so won’t go into the kids bedroom after dinner and tell them how unfair it is to speak the truth about what is actually happening to the global project most people call “the future”. 
Thankfully, there are hair worriers more concerned with the leader of the free world’s ability to stand in front of helicopters somehow, without his tupee getting sucked up into the blades. Such likes are too busy dreaming about re-erections of the white supperpremierists – people who think they should be first in line for desert even though they’ve thrown their plates of food away and haven’t noticed the skid marks on their edible undies.
Not that I’m one to talk big words and sway anyone with how things are, it just seems that threatening teenagers with climate denying Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Ness from the isolation of a grown up’s bedroom is no way to seek respect from your peers.
So like the Planet says, put a dirty sock in it Nige, and suck up the reality, the only global conspiracy is your flat earth society aggro and desperation for headlines.
yours
the effing planet
X
Flowers across Europe demanded their poly tunnels be prepared for a no deal brexit yesterday. Tulip and other floral unions gathered together in their bulbous millions to force growers to face up to the diverse challenges pollinating political discourse across the continent.
“There is no question that the tulips have a point” said one EU florist who has begun preparing their plants for a ‘no deal’ scenario. “The British seem prepared to throw away freedom of movement for flowers, putting arrangements in turmoil and leaving leaves in hot water”. There has been growing unease as the prospect of a Flora Backstop becomes a possible reality. British growers are aware that access to the European Floral Rights Agreement signed in the 1980’s by then UK Flower Minister, Poppy Koch may soon come to an end, without germinating any alternative seedlings or solutions to the growing Floral crisis.
thats it for today, let us know your blooming thoughts
xmac
Former Foreign Secretary Johnson stuck his oar into Brexshit Creek this morning with a warning to all voting age UK citizens to be wary of fake Project Fear propaganda!
that’s another little note then,
all comments welcome
x macd
American Presentident Donaldo Trump has confounded critics while amazing Star Wars fans that anything can get done while their government – like the United Kingdom’s – appears to have ceased to exist.
Engaging with the enemy, Trump has moved his Wall into space, diverting funds from future Mars Exploration and subverting Congress in order to keep actual REAL aliens from immigrating onto Earth without having first entered our orbit legally.
that’s it for this really great again news flash, more Politoons to follow
cheers
macd
The fixed term parliament act has hobbled a nation’s ability to rule itself as the government fights the government knowing that they will remain the government until
2023 no matter what. (note from editor: amend word ‘remain’ to ‘hold out’ or ‘survive’ so as not to upset Sun reading demographic) “The idiocy is palpable” said a leading Government Against Itself (GAI) spokesperson from the top of a graffitied double decker bus.
(note to editor: Sun readers only buy it for the sport section… or do they still have page 3?)
The ‘Gia’ movement, once associated with belief that theplanet is a living organism, has been co-opted by climate denying isolationist islanders situated somewhere off the coast of Europe. No one in Europe is quite sure exactly where they are at at the moment. GIA has turned the Un-united Kingdom into a pleasuredome for rightwing nib squibs who can pretend to have ideas without any fear of having to act on them.
That’s it, I’m off to build a wall between the left and right side of my brain to stem the flow of dangerous drugs
leave a comment below though, be please to hear from you, one side or the other.
cheers macd
An extensive search for someone from the government to interview after the launch of the conservative Election Manifesto has unveiled a note pinned to the hopes of Trace May’s vision for a whiter future. In it loyal party supporters have been lumped in with the feckless miscreants who litter the country with their unwanted souls like leeches preying on the stick legs of the ageing land owning class. “Join me” said May yesterday in an old mill surrounded by old men who appeared to have been spray bombed with grey blue war paint before entering the well guarded hall.
The not yet dead well read leader of the BeLaboured Party has been revealed to be an actual son of someone, as evidence of his having inherited things from his mother when she passed away circulate endlessly in Government echo chamber circles like the BBC. As investigative reporters played bridge with bored well off elderly people who look about my age, their overdubbed narrative tugged at the heartstrings as loyal Tory voters blamed the poor for being poor and patted themselves on the back for still being able to remember the day they first voted for Margaret Thatcher.
Having realised the galactic dimensions of the sh*t storm approaching Britain, the woman who only wants what’s best for the people who are against globalisation and for world trade may be having second thoughts about the bollocks of a mess created during the last 7 years of not reducing the deficit, net immigration or unsqueezing the middle while having promised to do so that she is now responsible for as she transforms her party into a UKIP government. After a quiet word with her husband on the One Show watched by millions, Trace and her bin man are hoping to have more time to themselves once theyy lose the election so someone more qualified can get on with running the country.
That’s it for now, more Politoons news as it breaks over our heads like an unexpected hail storm.
Hey! What about this guy?
no point, he’s already toast. (ed)
British Electoral Roll to be based on Television License Fee payments!BBC Impartiality Tzar Liar Kunstburger made the announcement today from inside the frame of a camera shot depicting the desolate northern seaside towns that were once thriving peasant villages in the feudal days before Thatcherism and her Industrial revolution that changed the face of a nation from smiley to frowny in less that a generation.
Kunstburger says “If we use the latest viewing figures instead of asking people to register to vote, we’ll get more informed audiences in the ballot box!” When asked about top ten topic ‘immigration’ LK told the questioner that television was a natural filtering device for controlling the vast number of people who want to come to this country to watch television. “What could be simpler than demanding everyone signs up and registers before watching television or listening to the radio?”
She went on to add “Its gonna be great!” before giving the thumbs up and jetting off to deliver a package to News at Ten.
Pollsters are generating newsfeeds suggesting that the polls could win a landslide in the coming general election wiping out mainstream parties in a bonfire of the infernos not seen since the idea of asking people what they think about things was first recorded. History shows that predicting how things will go before they have come and gone is an exciting area for unpaid interns and data collection experts in general who are prepared to keep annoying people until they submit to questioning.
Software giant’s clients in hacking sh*t storm as Bill -Ransom-Gate faces down anonymous cyber-bots!
Philanthropic philanderer Big Bill Gates says he is ready for a showdown with unknown Dark Net users after North Korea threatens to launch missile strike on Ransom Net HQ somewhere in a wi fi hotspot near you.
In keeping with redefining journalists bent on seeking the truth as the new ‘enemies of the people’, newspeaking spokespeople for the Alt-Right House have rescinded the bus passes of older media organizations in favo(u)r of yo(u)ng upstart power ‘ho’s’ willing to promote the billionaire tax evading television reality star’s next series of re-truthings – a series of daily soap script pitches now being analysed by the Tea Party Senate for adherence to ‘truth, justice and the American way’. Once approved the highly detailed story lines will be used to construct a fly on the wall documentary about the Orange One’s first 100 days in office spent siphoning government funds into his various offshore franchises and business interests while deregulating Wall Street.
People all over the country watched two political election spin off dramas this week as UKIP un-picked itself from ever being elected to national office, the Labo(u)r party performed an emergency cesarean on itself and induced a panicky emergence of doubt amongst those who thought social justice meant agreeing with right wing Tories about leaving URUP while trying to make clear they intend doing so for very different reasons. The tactic has paid off according to recent reality opinion polls – formerly known as ‘by-elections’. “We knew thinking the same thing as the government but for different reasons would pay off eventually!” Said the Labo(u)r Monarch. “See how the people have decided things for the same reason by voting for them instead of us.” The Labo(u)ring Labo(u)r leader waved goodbye from his socialist state allotment, pointing to the the spade he had taken out of the shed to continue to ‘dig for Britain’ as the hole increased in size around him.
“Brexit means we will do little else but talk about Europe even though the majority of the country thought they had voted by a huge majority for us to shut up about it!” The Prime Minister explained from her new bastion of Copeland where the last 80 years of political history vanished into the past – just like all the others. “Now we don’t have to focus on the failing NHS, slipping School Standards, Poverty, Disability Rights and all the other negative stories the Fake News Press *(*see Last Sane Person to Leave White House story above) have been touting to anyone old enough to buy a newspaper!” She said to rapturous applause before returning to her armoured car. “Let us now focus our attention and pool our resources around our overriding prejudices against anyone from neighbouring countries, near or far…” She said, sucking in her breath and pointing at her Just About Coping Squeezed Middle before muttering “…which may soon include Scotland…” As she returning to London to cat sit for the House of Lords while it tried to make sense of how the political landscape had changed.
Meanwhile in the UKIP heartland of a motorway services, former leader of the free world Nige Farago made his pledge to the people of Britain to remove windmills from the countryside and make Britain Great again. Although not leader of anything now, the non-leader insists that the party he doesn’t lead anymore will – if elected – build a wall to stop anyone leaving because triggering article 50 and the process of leaving Europe -which he had always desired – will mean an increase in immigration into the UK which he has always been against. “Let me leave you with this final question” said the non-politician as he got in his car “How far up the road do I have to go before I can turn around and travel back down the way I really want to go?”
that’s it for this week’s news
but that’s not all – by any means necessarily!
newtate-2017-macd-s
“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
Merch!
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
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Continental Driftz A new experimental poetry podcast on the theme of Europe featuring MacD MCMC Spoken, Will Salter, and Drewzy and the Robot. 
Check out more audio satire at politoon’s own podcasting portal
Now you may begin…
Chelsey Manning, granddaughter of long buried stand up guy Bernard, was once a Premier League football team before becoming the beneficiary of Pre-Trump President B.Omb-ama’s merciful beneficence. With a reprieve set to mark the anniversary of the release of ‘Please Release Me’ by the previously unreleased Gang of Four, Bernard Manning’s granddaughter will no longer live in isolation from the rest of the world for the crime of wanting to share.
Teresay May or may not have decided on what Brexit means, but this week has told the world what she can about the ‘Brrrr’ in Brrrexit. Using notes scribbled hastily on the scalps of her Three Brexiteers (One’s for Out and Out’s for One!) Tee’s Maid-en speech embarked into the unknown without fear, prejudice or knowledge to hinder her negotiating team’s rodeo ride into the unregulated world economy. Boris ‘I-coulda-bin-a-contender’ Johannson, explorer of vast quantities of empty space in search of power, has paid off civil servants whose advice he considers to be below common EU standards. His ministerialship has sent them packing and into retirement secured with hush money clauses and no guaranteed right of entry back into anything except a soon to be cancelled local bus service if they show their senior (nonEU) citizen’s card.
Dateline Alleppo: The east of the city has been metaphorically reunited with it’s Abyssyrian ancestral burial grounds thanks to the new sculptural installation work of phycho-demented co-blabative artists Assid and Pubeskin. The collaborating state artists have created a mock up of the early millenial carpet bombed city of Grozny from the distant past of the early naughties, and transferred an exact replica to this modern Syrian city.
“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.
politoons 